Mini mid-life crisis. Why you should act your age.
A mid-life crisis can take on many forms.
Buying a flash sports car. Having an affair. Taking up exercise.
For me, it manifested in the sudden idea to buy rollerblades. Images of me floating at speed down a smooth path, possibly in a leafy park, or along the seafront filled my head. The thought of the wind blowing across my forehead (which is the slaphead translation of through my hair) also appealed. Being able to rollerblade would also mean I’d be able to take the kids ice skating too - something they have badgered me to do for ages, and something I have steadfastly refused. I like my arse unbruised, unwet and unfrozen, thank you very much.
I flicked through eBay and stumbled across a pair of rollerblades in my size. At £35, they were an investment that I’d want to use often as £35 is a lot of money to throw away on something that never gets used.
I ordered them and a few days later they turned up. I quickly bundled them in the back of the car, where they sat, untouched for about a month.
This past weekend I woke early. Whether it was the ducks quacking outside, or something else that caused my brain to decide that 6 am on a Saturday was a perfectly acceptable time for a grown man to get up for no reason, I don’t know. But get up is what I did. I pottered around for a couple of minutes trying to figure out how best to start the day.
Then it hit me. The ‘blades! (Yes, by this stage I was so at ease with them I’d shorted their name.)
I got dressed and went to the car. Perching my backside on the edge of the car boot, I eased the wheeled footwear onto each foot. Placing my trainers in the boot, I stood up, gingerly keeping my hand glued to the car as some kind of support. I slammed the boot shut, straightened my feet slightly and rolled every so slowly past the car. I’d never noticed the very slight incline in the car park before, but it was serving to be the ideal introduction into the world of rollerblading. I’d travelled a good six or seven feet without incident. Truly, I was a God on wheels.
Sadly, it all went downhill from there.
As momentum gripped me, I plunged torso-first into a brick column. Flinging my arms around the hard, cold structure, I gripped tightly, suddenly aware of my fragility.
The rest of the 90-second introduction to skating I shall simply leave to the Whatsapp message I sent to friends, which pretty much sums it all up.
Does anyone want to buy a pair of size 9 rollerblades? £35 ONO. Used once.