Where do all the teaspoons go?

Where have all the teaspoons gone?Where do all the teaspoons go? Seriously. They disappear like thieves in the night, and quite frankly it’s beginning to annoy me.

When I moved into my flat, I had no cutlery. Now, being a single man, the thought of making food and simply pouring from the container directly into my mouth doesn’t phase me (in fact, it rather appeals), and living off of takeaway pizza wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility. However, being a dad to four kids who are over at least once a week, I felt I owed it to them to provide knifes, forks and spoons. I admit that the possibility of getting them to embrace the traditional Indian approach to dining did cross my mind, but nonetheless I ventured forth and bought a set of cutlery, cursing my heritage and the values it has set.

That was two years ago. Since then, the only other cutlery-related escapade involving vinyl tablecloths in the UK has been the ill thought out trip to the beach in Summer 2012 where the picnic was only saved by a stop off at Sainsbury to pick up half a dozen cheap teaspoons after someone (me) forgot to pack any which, naturally, immediately made the yoghurts I had packed THE MOST popular item in the picnic.

Fast forward to now. I’ve just finished the washing up and I seem to be down to just six teaspoons. Six. I’ve somehow lost half a dozen teaspoons in the past couple of years. How does that even happen? Do I have some kind of teaspoon-sized black hole in my home? Or is Essex the home of a black market for teaspoons, and people are secretly sneaking in and taking mine, but being savvy enough to only do it sporadically so that I don’t notice?

I guess it will remain a mystery.


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