Online dating (The previously unwritten rules of online dating)
It’s the 21st Century. Online dating is a “thing”. You’re single. You’re also at the age where you see scantily clad girls on a night out and your first thought is no longer “Phwoar! They’re hot!”, but rather the opposite “They must be freezing in that skirt!”.
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Worse than that, you begin to see the kids of your best friends out drinking with their mates. You’re plainly too old to pull on a night out and eventually you decide to try online dating.
But all is not lost. We are, after all, more than two years into the second decade of the 21st century. No matter that between 6 billion of us we haven’t worked out how to refer to that decade (my guess is that we’ll settle on ‘The Teens’ in about four years time and forever confuse the next generation of kids who will grow up believing that the numbers 10, 11 and 12 can all be considered teen numbers.)
In the world of DannyUK, the questions are far more interesting…
If you have been single at any time in the past few years, chances are that you have probably thought about this subject, if not actually tried it. I realise I haven’t actually named the subject yet, but if this were a real life conversation I would no doubt be slipping into my best Chris Tarrant impression and offering you some guesses.
“Is it A) Anal sex. B) Dogging. C) Buying a Ferrari or D) Internet dating?”
I wish the answer were B) as it’d make this article more fun, not least for naming and shaming the Chelmsford car parks where you can partake in such an activity. (Not that I speak first-hand, but it’s amazing what you can find on the internet.)
Instead, I am talking about internet dating. Now that the 90s are long gone (and THERE was a decade with a decent title. None of this “Naughties” crap.) you no longer have to fly out to Texas to find the love of your life. Instead, you can log in and find hundreds of people locally.
Granted, by the time you sieve through those that you would and those that you wouldn’t (you can make your own minds up as to what ‘would’ refers to), the number is far lower, and when you start getting rejected by anyone normal looking you end up with maybe one or two that you’d meet up with, at most.
Plenty of Fish. Likely to bring you Plenty of crabs.
I’ll admit it. I’ve used internet dating before. There is something sad about admitting to everyone that you’ve been on a dating site, but let’s be honest, it’s not that unusual these days. In fact, it is thanks to my perusal and use of these sites that I am able to sit here and offer you my tips.
Now, the world of online dating is fraught with danger. You need thick skin to get over the constant rejection, and a stomach lined with lead to keep your dinner down at the state of some of the singletons on the web. Fear no more, though, for I – DannyUK – have come up with the basics:
Rules of online dating.
The “Two photo minimum” rule: Any woman with less than two photos on their profile is hiding something. Normally a few extra chins or a wedding ring.
The “Spot the anomaly” rule: Anyone who includes a picture of their dog, especially if there is a caption declaring their undying love for the animal, is not going to be the all-night-clubbing, love-’em and leave-’em insatiable lover they claim in their profile.
The “Don’t hide the obvious” rule: Not, as you may suspect, a rule that infers we can all tell you’re sucking your gut in on that photo. Instead, it’s revealing that you are a dad of 4 will result in being blocked by anyone with less than 3 kids. Never trust anyone who, when answering the question “Do you have kids” on their profile, responds “Prefer not to say.” this means that they have kids and are somehow ashamed of this.
The “Do it sober” rule: It is never a good idea to browse dating websites when drunk. You will only end up contacting people that you had deemed too old, ugly or boring earlier when you were sober. Worse still, when you inevitably get a response from the grandmother that you contacted at 3 am, you’ll end up meeting her in a fit of feeling sorry for her. On the plus side, she is probably meeting you for the exact same reason.
The “Have some imagination” rule: Answering “surprise me!” when asked where best to go on a first date doesn’t make you sound mysterious and exciting. It just shows that you lack imagination.
The “Don’t confuse the two” rule: 90% of men in their 30s on a dating website really ARE looking for a relationship. That doesn’t mean that the same 90% wouldn’t settle for just getting laid.
The “One swallow does not make a Summer” rule: Activities. This section is pure lies. All lies. Even the mundane stuff that people put as a favoured activity is not to be believed. “I enjoy long walks in the country.” Really? I enjoy being given a blow job, it doesn’t mean it’s something that happens with any regularity. And yes, we all enjoy “a night out in town” but are “equally happy snuggling up on the sofa watching a DVD”.
I’m sure this must be in the template of every profile on every dating website. I’ll admit that I don’t expect brutal honesty in every post, as I’ve no doubt that every woman would tire of reading “looking for someone I can pop round and shag when I’m feeling horny and when I can’t be arsed to spend time and money chatting someone up” as much as every man would tire of reading “looking for someone that will come round, shag me silly and then stay, chat and help pick out soft furnishings from John Lewis in the morning.” But something that isn’t far removed from everyday reality would be nice to see.
Oh, and congratulations if you’re mature enough to not have laughed at the “swallow” part of the rule title.
The “If you spell like that you must be fantastic at Scrabble” rule: Spelling and grammar. The internet is a tool that has made communication easier. No longer do you have to wire a telegram to someone, or to post something in the mail. Email, instant messenger and various other advances have made is easier than ever to chat to someone else. For this reason alone, there is no need to purposely drop letters from the words you are writing. No-one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.
Spelling is, has been and always will be tricky at times. But would it really kill you to type the word “you” instead of “u”? Even if you are the most ham-fisted typer in the world, those two extra letters won’t take a great deal longer at all, and will make you ever so slightly more appealing.
Oh, and it’s spelt “is”, not “iz”. That’s not even saving you any time. That’s taking as long to type as the correct spelling of the word would take, and your continued use of it leads me to believe that it’s not a typo as I first suspected it may be.
The “Three strikes” rule: Rejection. If I email you and you don’t respond, that’s fine, I can take a hint and move on. If you email me and I don’t respond, that isn’t a green light for several more emails, each getting more and more desperate than the last.
I can’t think of one occasion where I have thought “Oh, I didn’t think much of that first email, but now that this lady has emailed me for the seventh time, the spelling errors and increasing sense of having a stalker is becoming more and more appealing to me.”
Two emails – at a push, three – are plenty to garner a response. Equally, replying to an email with one sentence answers (or worse still, one-word answers) is just rude and lazy. If I have to struggle to make conversation with you by email, I’m never going to do it easily in real life.
The “You CAN polish a turd” rule: Confidence. You may not be the most attractive person in the world, or the funniest, or the best dressed, or the most likely to succeed at anything. But there is a world of difference between knowing that and telling that to someone you’ve never spoken to.
There really is no correct response to someone putting themselves down in an email. Self-deprecation has a place, but it’s best used sparingly. Accentuate the positives people, and if you don’t have any positives then just don’t mention the negatives.
There you have it. Armed with this basic information for rules of online dating, you should now be able to avoid any potential mines in the minefield of online dating sites. Adversely, by ignoring them all, you will probably get laid. It’s your choice, single person. Either way, good luck.
by DannyUK
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That’s a good post, I really liked it. Informative, funny, and true to life. Not that I personally have ever been on a dating site, but a few years ago I got into ICQ and internet chat rooms. Looking back, this was a big mistake…..huge….but you live and learn.
The rules of ICQ and Internet dating sites are very similar. To be successful you need to have confidence, be able to project empathy, and it really helps to be funny, different, and a have something to say. Attraction is all in the mind…. but what do I know?
Great post. Good to see you getting back to writing a blog again. So what’s up for the next post? Ideal first dates? 😉
The blog’s been written semi-regularly for ages, but there’s been nothing worth reading to those that don’t know me. This was the first thing in ages I’ve been really happy with.
You are quite rare, my friend. Many kudos for this post. I would say, as a female, the majority of men on dating websites do not even remotely have the basic knowledge as you show. (Check out my blog for more details on that..)
Thank you. I’m not sure I’d describe myself as even remotely knowledgeable on the subject. Time has just dictated that there are certain things you need to be aware of when perusing dating sites.
I’m impressed with your know-how Dan. You want to lay off the POF though – terrible place I hear.
Ha! A good dose of realism there, I have dated online in the past, it’s a minefield
good insight 🙂
Having had plenty of experience of online dating, there really are some real and genuine men. In fact, I had lunch on Saturday with a man I met nine years ago on a dating website and we are still very good friends
I must admit that the post is very sarcastic. I’ve also met quite a number of great people online. Glad to hear you’ve had some positive experiences too.
great post xx
The post made me chuckle 🙂 iv had some very bad experiences online dating, but also met my partner on there and having our first baby 🙂 Luckily he had more than 2 pics and one wasnt of a dog! 😉
I used to love my online dating days – some stories to tell. Some websites though are full of newly single wanting to replace the one they lost so there i no compromise either that or people Just want to share images of their genitalia. I met a few people via dating websites I no longer speak to any of them but look back and do have great memories even if because of how bad they were.
never tried online dating but very interesting read
I must get the gentleman that messaged me the other day to read this article…
‘Im sorry you didn’t want to reply…I did offer a free lunch at least.
Hope to hear from you’
:/
Lol I gave up on dating
I highly recommend online dating as thats how me and my hubby met 3 years on we are still going strong xxx
I Like it – hope it works for me!
Great post! I’ve tried internet dating and I’m not a fan!
This brings back too many memories lol!
As long as you are prepared to take what people say with a pinch of salt online dating can be fun.
Internet dating….. what a minefield, however as a young man, many of my greatest adventures of internet (erm dating isnt really the word) ‘liasons’, generally ended either in comical times or all out disastors!
But when you’ve made the 4.2 miles journey and put on your best pants…. in for a penny in for a pound 🙂
very funny. but id never do online dating
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I have never tried internet dating, but very intresting post 🙂
I know people who found love this way…not a bad method! 🙂
never tried internet dating and best not sine am married lol
Internet dating is not for me, too creepy
LOVE This – The more ‘important rules of online dating’ 🙂
Twitter: tracyknixon
on April 29, 2014 at 8:04 pm
Interesting – I did join a few online dating sites a few years back but found I got messaged by loads of weirdos so didn’t bother! I would rather meet and get to know someone in person and not online.
I had an online relationship that got really creepy and destructive.
I am still on dating sites but only look once a week… just in case.
I had a great time in my short adventure with online dating 🙂
I met few guys – and surprise surprise- none of them wanted only a fling , they were genuinely looking for a relationship 🙂
I did have lots of messages that seemed automated to me but the ones that I chose to answer to turned up to be a honest ones.
And in the end I settled for a guy I knew from work
Tried it once, don’t think I would again lol
Once toyed with the idea of internet dating – even joined Match.com but then got back together with the ex (who’s now my husband!)…so profile never actually got completed! Funny blog post!
Fantastic article! I really enjoyed reading this and am extremely grateful that I don’t have to dip a toe into this cyber-world of potential weirdos and sad acts!
Haha. Some great advice and tips there! Really enjoyed reading it 🙂
I found my current gf thru internet dating and we have been together just under 4 years
Proof that it can work! Always good to hear 🙂
great tips.
This really made me chuckle spat my tea out whilst reading this
oh dear, im internet dating, and only got one pic up…….runs off to upload more!!
Definitely more than one picture needed! lol
Just be honest about yourself
Really good read and so true
A great way to meet new partners.
Twitter: michell13991513
on May 1, 2014 at 5:50 pm
great article x
fabulous blog with some really good tips
Good Post thanks xx
great post
Definitely need tips. You hear so much about the bad things which happen. This guide is a good thing.
great post .i have many friends who have met their partners over the internet. i met my guy in a telephone chat room before i discovered the internet we have been together 14 years september.and have a beautiful 9yr old daughter 🙂
fab blog
lol very good, kinda glad in more ways and one that I was taken long before online dating became the norm. So wouldn’t have wanted to throw the net out and trawl the seas!! I am generally a weirdo attractor in normal everyday life so would imagine I would have been hacked to pieces or something within 6 months if I had to do it!! lol xx
Im officially off the market but if I wasnt I would sure like to peruse your site!
i havent personally used online dating no people who have and this would have served them well. ive never been a fan of it but can see why people use it. great post 🙂
I’ve not tried it before so this was quite insightful for me, thank you:D
Twitter: ericahughes
on May 2, 2014 at 9:20 am
Great post – hope I never have to enter the minefield of dating again.
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That gave me a good giggle 😀
Love all the rules, especially the Do it Sober rule.
very interesting read
I hope I’m never single, the thought of internet dating fills me with horror!
i hope that i would never have to do internet dating, as it really scares me
Good read! x
Twitter: stevenfairbairn
on May 2, 2014 at 3:39 pm
I’ve used sites for window shopping before. I say treat others as adults, nobody likes those white knight, goody goody types. People can stand up for themselves so try not to patronise. It can be lots of fun.
great post
Twitter: Isis1981uk
on May 2, 2014 at 7:01 pm
I met 2 of my 3 serious boyfriends online & in both cases only chatted for a couple of days before meeting. One is now my husband of 5 year. Out of 5 close friends, 4 met their husbands online. We are all attractive, intelligent women who can “get” dates offline but it is a great way to meet someone new you’d never otherwise meet. As long as you only meet online but date in the real world I think it makes complete sense, you know more than you would on a blind date which is much more “socially acceptable”…it’s just when people date online for a prolonged period before meeting in person that the problems start!
great post
Twitter: kirstywoods32
on May 2, 2014 at 9:31 pm
Very good
Always tell someone where you are going and meet in public place
Haha good advice.. I’m still not sure i’d ever have a go at online dating though but who knows!
Twitter: KerryLurve
on May 3, 2014 at 9:34 am
Hilarious. I had a very bad date with a balding vertically challenged chap who had claimed to be 5’11” and clearly used a 10yr old photo. He proceeded to get paralytic and tried to song me. not good. Luckily on my next date I met my fiancee
great blog loved reading from another point of view I found online dating too scary and was worried about who was at the end of the keyboard
Great post interesting read
That millionaire screenshot is fantastic.
Funny! Seeing one of these written form a male point of view is very refreshing.
well what to put errrrrrm yes well just for me dating sites aren’t for me im happily married have been for last 13 years
Not my cuppa tea I think
Lots of good advice
I am so happy to be married -finally!!
some useful info there! Had to giggle
great post 😀
Great, fun and interesting post, will be showing it to my brother
Makes me glad I’m not single lol
Awesome post, funny read.
interesting
Very interesting, a whole new concept with lots of new potential and pitfalls.
a great read.very interesting
enjoying the read
great tips, made me laugh too 🙂
Interesting
Very funny
Lol I love this post!! I met an ex online if only I had seen this before!!
Great review thankyou x
I found this quite funny 🙂
Great post but online dating is not for me, especially after seeing who my sister is living with following her online dating experience!!!
Excellent post, I’ve never used a dating website and hope I’ll never have to but I know people who have and some really weird types have come up x
Twitter: krnries
on May 4, 2014 at 2:47 pm
I really like your style of writing and I’ve only just realised that we just don’t refer to our decade!
IThanks for all the advice, I am thinking of going this route but am scared to death.
I would definitely try online dating if I were single again 🙂
Some great ideas
Funny post but still not convinced that online dating is the way to go
I tried online dating but it didnt work out.
good post and I myself tried the online dating game,after 3 dates I was suitably frightened off going for a number 4 date..lol
canny post, some good pointers there.
Great post, and really good points i can relate to. We all just have to be careful online:)
An interesting post
great stuff
Wonderfully honest post. Have to admit thatthe internet wasn’t invented when I last went dating, and I reckon it looks a bit of a minefield. Glad my wife managed to bag me in the usual manner (a few drinks and then a slowy, with a phone number written on a piece of paper).
Twitter: jibberjabberuk
on February 4, 2016 at 12:33 pm
Being such an old married person as I am I’ve never had to navigate the strange world of internet dating. Instead I did the middle-class thing and went to university and found my husband there! My friend is a life coach and does dating coaching so I’m going to should her this in case she has missed a few things.
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Twitter: TheRealSupermum
on February 4, 2016 at 3:28 pm
So when my husband and I separated 8 months ago a friend recommended I make a profile on plenty of fish and to be honest it was a great confidence boost as my inbox was soon flooded and I mean flooded – go me – but a lot of them men really wanted to talk 50 shades of grey style although I did meet 2 guys on there I already knew and I did do coffee with one of them ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, was a great catch up 😉
Twitter: etusty
on February 4, 2016 at 4:41 pm
Chuckling away, I can only imagine what it’s like. But I expect you’re pretty much spot on with these tips. But spelling and text speak….yes they’d be crossed straight off my list!
I am so glad I dont have to bother with all of this now, my work friends are constantly swiping away x
I haven’t got much experience with online dating myself although years ago I used various chat rooms which I enjoyed. I would be so scared if I had to join an online dating site as I would be worried who would respond
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Twitter: freddieandi
on February 4, 2016 at 8:37 pm
Lol this is so funny. I’ve never been on a dating website and I’m getting married next year so hopefully I will never have to! Lol
Twitter: PostmanSpotting
on February 5, 2016 at 10:30 am
I met my Mrs online, which shows that it can work. After all, it doesn’t matter how you meet people. It matters what happens after you meet.
Compare these two different scenarios : meeting online v seeing someone in a pub.
You glance across a pub and see someone you like. You don’t know if they’re in a relationship, what their interests are, if they have kids, if they want to have a family, if they’re a crazy cat lady etc.
If you chat online you get an idea whether or not they are someone you’re likely to click with. Surely that’s an awesome thing?
It’s seven years this month since me and my wife first met, been married for five years, have two kids. Sometimes it works perfectly!