A letter from Mack Hair in Chelmsford
Living near to town is great though the location of the flat is very close to a trendy hair salon. I came home from town the other day to find this hand-delivered letter on my doorstep:
Being bored and feeling slightly mischievous, I thought I’d write a quick response:
Dear Local Salon,
I hope you don’t mind me taking the opportunity to introduce myself to you; I am a 30-something father-of-four living locally to your Springfield Basin shop.
I came home today to find you’d dropped a letter in through my front door marked “To the local resident”. Normally I hate junk mail, but the upbeat and polite tone of your letter made me smile and seeing as I have a spare ten minutes, I thought it only polite to respond.
Unfortunately I shan’t be needing your services. Time has not been kind, and my hairline is retreating faster than a Jeremy Kyle guest retreats from responsibility. I’ve even tried growing a beard in the hope that it would draw attention from my ever-shiny forehead, but instead I find that it just looks like I have my head on upside down.
I must also say thank you for the recommendations in your leaflet. However, not being au fait with hair care, the only “Brazilian” I can think of leads me to some startling mental images when I read that you are offering Brazilian blow-drys. I’d imagine it must be painful enough getting that area waxed, much less taking a hairdryer to it afterwards. Oh you salon experts and your crazy ways!
I’m sorry to hear that your Salon Director is “highly sought after”. This is disturbing. Can you remember the last place that you saw him / her? Or have you tried looking down the back of the sofa. Quite often I find misplaced things there.
Though I shan’t be using your vouchers personally, I will certainly pass them on to someone who may be able to make better use of them. I’ve never set foot inside any of your premises, but I have often seen staff members coming and going, and they always seem bright and happy. I’ve no doubt this is why I am so keen to write back to you to let you know.
Lastly, I see that you offer “bespoke services”. Far be it for me to make suggestions, but as a child I had Spokey Dokeys on my bike, and only think of them fondly when I reminisce. The youth of today are a strange group. Maybe a “Bespokey dokey service” may take off? Just an idea.
I hope this letter finds you in good health, and brings a smile to you.
All the best for 2012 and beyond.
The response was posted through their door over the weekend, using the same envelope they’d sent to me (if not cheeky, I am at least cheap) and I hope it’s met with the good humour it was written. (In other words, I expect a lawsuit any day soon.)
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