Well the sitcom seems to be coming along slowly.
When I say slowly, I should point out that I started writing the first episode well over six months ago, and I’m using comedy material that I started writing two years ago.
In fact, on reflection, merely opening the Word document and putting a title at the top would qualify as the most work I’ve done on the script for at least a couple of months, so maybe “coming along slowly” isn’t the best way to describe it.
Not only that, but I keep stopping to do things like update this blog, or reading West Ham forums. Talking of which, Pardew’s been sacked this week, and it took me a few hours to get my head round that. Now it looks as though Curbishley will be installed in his place, and although he’ll get my full backing, I can’t say I am overwhelmed with someone who never pushed on from achieving mediocrity with Charlton.
Anyway, enough of that. Seeing as the script is coming along, and I actually feel confident that it might get sent out as an episode to a TV company at some point on the next couple of years (!), I thought I’d treat readers of the blog to the opening scene, which stemmed from something the wife shouted at the dog a few months back when we were eating dinner.
The characters in the script are all based on real life people, and for that reason the script will need all of the character names amending to make things a little less obvious, especially as I have turned my ex-boss from a happily married man of two into a gay guy in a relationship for reasons of comedy.
The comedy itself is a mix between My Family and Men Behaving Badly at the moment, which allows me to include horrible jokes like: “Did you hear that all levels of rugby in Ipswich have been cancelled. They are concerned about the lack of hookers.”
The opening scene, which I want to appear as a 10 second clip before the credits:
In the sitting room. Camera faces the sofa, which has Karen, the mum of the family sitting on it, eating dinner. At the other end of the 3-seater sofa is 4 year old Sophie. Sophie is absent-mindedly stroking her inner thigh.
Behind the sofa is Dave, at his PC, sitting on a swivel chair. Karen and Sophie are watching TV. Dave is facing away from the TV, doing something on the PC, and not paying any attention to his wife and kids. Dave has his hand down the front of his trousers, more for comfort than anything else.
6 year old Madison comes down the stairs, to the right of Dave and his PC, and heads left, past the back of the sofa, towards the kitchen. As she passes, we can see her scratching just below her navel.
The dog is sitting in front of Karen, licking his bits, as dogs are prone to do.
Karen (to dog): Can you stop playing with your bits whilst I’m eating my dinner?
Dave & 2 kids respond with an air of familiarity at the phrase, as if it’s heard far too often, with a lacklustre apology.
Dave & 2 kids in unison: Sorry
Titles kick in.
I bet you thought you’d get something better than that, huh?