The Journey script

by DannyUK

Back in 2007 I sat down with a friend over lunch and we hammered out some notes for an idea for a sitcom that we had discussed the previous night.  A couple of weeks later I sat down and typed out the first episode, as well as a brief outline of how things would develop. This script was then sent off to a couple of places, including the BBC where it was reviewed, rejected and returned to me.

I put it to one side for a while, every now and then dusting it off, tidying it up and then filing it away again.  The intent was always to get it to a level where it could be resubmitted either as the same type of script or possibly in another format.

Unfortunately, the BBC recently produced a Peter Kay show (Peter Kay’s car share) using an almost identical format, meaning that this script is now pretty much null and void.

So what else to do with it other than put it up on the website for everyone to enjoy and critique?

All rights reserved, copyright held by myself etc etc.

Enjoy!


 

THE JOURNEY

SERIES A

Pilot: “Rumplesplitskin”

Written by

DannyUK (DannyUK.com)

Based on ideas and characters inspired by

DannyUK (DannyUK.com) & Ben C.

 

We are DannyUK and Ben C., two friends living in Chelmsford, Essex, and met whilst working for a bank in Romford.

Our idea is a sitcom that follows two friends on a journey to work in a car.  The inter-changing banter starts in the pilot episode as the two friends meet each other for the first time, and continues to grow as each episode progresses and the two become firmer friends.  This is based on our real life experiences.

The dialogue will reflect the type of conversation that two male friends would have, and in that respect draws some influence from Men Behaving Badly and Peep Show.

Our writing experience is very limited as neither of us have worked in the media before.  However, we have confidence in our ability to adapt and learn and hope that this script will enable us to progress onto writing more in the future.

As the series progresses we expect to see the two friends become closer, and the awkwardness that is present in the first journey diminishes as they get to know each other better.

The series itself is rude and crude, and is reflective of genuine conversations between two men in their twenties.

We believe that there is room for perhaps one more character who can be introduced towards the end of the series in a “car-share” role which gives us more writing options as the series would progress.

Attached is the first episode, which we hope you enjoy.


 

INT. CAR

THE CAR IS A 7 SEATER FAMILY CAR WITH SIGNS OF USE ALL OVER.  THERE ARE VAGUE STAINS CAUSED BY SPILT DRINKS ON THE BACK SEATS, WITH CHILD CAR SEATS TAKING UP FOUR SPACES IN THE BACK. ALTHOUGH WASHED EXTERNALLY, THE CAR IS A LITTLE UNTIDY INSIDE.

DAVE IS CLEAN-SHAVEN, IN HIS LATE TWENTIES AND IS IN THE DRIVING SEAT. HE IS WEARING A SMART SHIRT AND BLACK TROUSERS, BUT NO TIE OR SUIT JACKET.  HE IS WEARING A WEDDING RING.

STEVE IS IN HIS EARLY TWENTIES.  HE HAS A SMART BEARD AND IS FULLY DRESSED FOR WORK, WEARING A SHIRT, TIE AND SUIT.  HE RARELY TAKES OFF HIS SUIT JACKET AND THIS IS THE FIRST MAJOR DIFFERENCE WE SEE BETWEEN THE TWO.

STEVE TAPS ON THE WINDOW BEFORE GETTING INTO THE CAR AND OFFERS HIS HAND TO DAVE.

Steve

Hiya mate, cheers for this.

DAVE TAKES HIS HAND AND SHAKES IT.

Dave

No worries mate.  The last time I had a tap on the door it turned out to be a plumber with a weird sense of humour!  Did you get here ok?

Steve

Yeah, fine thanks.  Have you been waiting long?

DAVE STARTS DRIVING AND AS HE DOES SO, THE CAR STARTS BEEPING TO INDICATE THE STEVE HASN’T YET GOT HIS SEATBEAT PLUGGED IN.

Dave

Naaah, literally just got here.

STEVE PLUGS IN HIS SEATBELT AND INDICATES BEHIND HIM.

Steve

I’d have been here sooner but the bloody traffic at the traffic lights is terrible.  I must have been waiting for five minutes!

Dave

If I’d have known you were going to be five minutes late, I’d have stayed home for a few more minutes and made love to the wife.  Twice!

Steve

You last longer than me then!

Dave

To be fair, I’d have spent four minutes trying not to wake her.

AN AWKWARD SILENCE FALLS IN THE CAR FOR A FEW SECONDS.

Dave

So are you looking forward to working in Romford?

STEVE ANSWERS CONVINCINGLY, BUT IT’S OBVIOUS THAT HE’S UNCERTAIN OF THE MOVE.

Steve

Yeah… Yeah, definitely…

Dave

It’s a lot different to Chelmsford.

Steve

In what way?  We do the same job, after all.

Dave

Well Romford is busier, for one.  There’s more of an atmosphere, more activity, it’s a bigger branch with more staff and more customers.  Chelmsford is very sleepy in comparison.  And Romford has a higher pram-per-teenager ratio.

STEVE DOESN’T ANSWER.

Dave

How come you’ve chosen to move to Romford branch then?

Steve

Derek asked me to.

Dave

Ahh, the power of a Regional Manager – He asks and he gets! That can’t be an easy choice to make, when you can probably walk to Chelmsford in ten minutes from where you are now!

Steve

No, it’s not.  It’s even worse as I’ve just signed up to rent a place which is 2 minutes from work in Chelmsford!

Dave

If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis!  Did you get a payrise?

Steve

Yeah, I should get it starting this month.

Dave

Good luck with that.  I had a conversation with Derek last week about pay, “you said you’d give me a pay rise if you were happy with me!” And he replied: “I know, but how can I be happy with someone who wants more money?” Tight sod!  I hope it’s a decent rise – Stab-proof vests aren’t cheap you know!

Steve

It’s not that bad in Romford, is it?

Dave

You say that but before I worked here the only time I’d ever heard of Romford was on the news: “Someone was stabbed today in Romford…”.  Ok, it’s not that bad but you’ll see there is a difference between here and there.

Steve

Derek suggested getting a lift with you to save on travel as well – He said something about splitting the petrol money?

Dave

Sounds good to me.  How do you want to do it?

Steve

Well how much do you spend on petrol?

DAVE IS SEEN ADDING UP THE MILEAGE TO AND FROM WORK, AND EVERY NOW AND THEN HE MUTTERS A NUMBER.

Dave

22 miles… to and from… five days per week is 200… four weeks…

Dave

Well it costs me £40 to fill the car up with petrol, and that’ll do a fortnight’s travel.

Steve

£80 per month?

Dave

Yeah, give or take.

Steve

Given the choice, I’d rather take if you’re asking!  So if I give you £40 per month, that’ll cover half of the petrol?

Dave

Well… yeah.  It’ll cover the petrol.  Not the wear and tear on the car though.

STEVE SUDDENLY COMES UP WITH ANOTHER SUGGESTION, AS IF HE HAS OFFENDED DAVE.

Steve

Well I don’t want you to be out of pocket, I mean, you’re helping me out here – What about £60?

DAVE LOOKS SIDEWAYS AT STEVE

Dave

I was just kidding mate.  £40 is fine.

STEVE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO TAKE THIS.

Steve

Are you sure?

STEVE STARTS TALKING QUITE FAST

Steve

‘cos you’re coming out of your way to get me as well.

Dave

I come about 2 minutes out of my way, and trust me, if it was a problem, I’d tell you.

Steve

… cos’ I’m happy to give you extra.

Dave

Chewing gum?

Steve

Huh?

Dave

You’ll happily give me Extra – It’s chewing gum… Don’t worry.  £40 is ok, honestly.

Steve

… cos’ it’d cost me almost £200 in train fares every month, so even if I pay the full £80, I‘m still £120 up!

Dave

Steve, seriously, it’s ok!  The last time I was in a car and haggling about money I almost ended up getting arrested!

Steve

And you save me from having to wait in the cold, so maybe £80 is fair? It’s not a problem, honestly.

Dave

Steve?

DAVE TALKS SHARPLY

Steve

Yeah?

DAVE LOOKS STEVE IN THE EYE FOR A SECOND BEFORE TALKING

Dave

Stop being a vagina decliner and shut up.

Steve

A what?

Dave

A vagina decliner… Gay… Stop being gay and shut up.

AFTER ANOTHER SECOND OR TWO, DAVE SMILES BRIEFLY

Dave

I like driving to work.  I used to get the train.  In fact, the only thing I miss about getting the train is listening to other passengers.  I was on the train once with a mate, and we got chatting to a German guy.  He was alright actually.  We were taking the mick, making jokes about the war and stuff, and all of a sudden he said: “You know, z’ere is no pleasure in boasting about winning two world wars.”

Steve

What did he say?

Dave

I said “How would you know?”  He couldn’t have given me a better set up!  Mind you, he probably thought the same thing about us when we started banging on about winning European Championships.  It made me smile though.

STEVE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW FOR A FEW SECONDS AS DAVE CONTINUES TO DRIVE.

Steve

You know what makes me smile?

Dave

What’s that then?

Steve

Facial muscles.

THE RADIO IS THE ONLY SOUND THAT CAN BE HEARD, ASIDE FROM THE NOISE OF THE TRAFFIC, AND THE SONG “SONG 2” BY BLUR HAS JUST STARTED PLAYING.

Steve

Oh, I love this song!

STEVE GETS ANIMATED, AND TURNS THE VOLUME UP SLIGHTLY ON THE CAR AND STARTS TO SING ALONG.

Steve

Woohoo! …. Woohoo! … I got my head checked, by a jumbo jet.

STEVE GETS TO THE POINT OF THE SONG WHERE HE DOESN’T KNOW THE WORDS.

Steve

It nana na na naaaa, but nothing i-is… Woohoo!

STEVE REALISES HE DOESN’T KNOW ANY OF THE NEXT VERSE, AND WITH DAVE’S REFUSAL TO JOIN IN THE SINGALONG, STEVE TURNS THE VOLUME BACK DOWN.

Steve

Great band, Blur.

Dave

They’ve had some cracking songs.

Steve

yeah… I like that one they did, how did it go?

STEVE STARTS MAKING WEIRD INSTRUMENT IMPRESSION NOISES.

Dave

Beetlebum?

Steve

… (SINGS) Do you feel like a chain store…

STEVE CONTINUES MAKING WEIRD INSTRUMENT NOISES.

Steve

Naah… nananan… (SINGS) kicked around bored….

STEVE CONTINUES MAKING WEIRD INSTRUMENT NOISES.

Dave

Girls and boys?

Steve

Nah.

STEVE CONTINUES MAKING WEIRD INSTRUMENT NOISES.

Dave

Parklife?

STEVE CONTINUES MAKING WEIRD INSTRUMENT NOISES.

Steve

… (SINGS) cared how you are… (SPOKEN) Naaah.  After that.

STEVE STARTS DRUMMING BEFORE FINALLY PICKING UP A LYRIC.

Steve

Nananaaaa… so give me coffee and tv… easily… dad a daaaaa…

STEVE DRIFTS OUT OF SINGING AGAIN, BEFORE THE CAR FALLS SILENT AGAIN.

Dave

Love the video to that

STEVE’S FACE LIGHTS UP AS HE’S HAPPY THAT DAVE RECOGNISES THE SONG, AND AGAIN AT THE MENTION OF THE VIDEO.

Steve

With the little milk carton?

Dave

That’s it.  Great song.

STEVE’S IMPRESSION FADES TO UNIMPRESSED AS HE REMEMBERS THE VIDEO.

Steve

I didn’t like the video.

AN AWKWARD SILENCE FILLS THE CAR.

Steve

Great song though.

SILENCE.

Dave

I preferred Beetlebum to be honest.

Steve

Yeah.  That was good.

Dave

Talking of Blur, I’ve never understood why opticians don’t make their signs slightly blurred.  You’d be more likely to get your eyes tested if you thought that it was causing blurriness!

STEVE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO REACT TO THIS, BUT SUDDENLY THINKS OF ANOTHER SUBJECT AND GETS EXCITED

Steve

Do you like Oasis?

Dave

It’s ok.  I prefer RiStevea.

Steve

I meant the group!

Dave

Yeah, they’re ok.  Prefer the earlier stuff.

 

Steve

I think they’re great.

Dave

Rip off of the Beatles though, aren’t they?

Steve

Oh yeah.  Still good though.  You like the Beatles?

Dave

Course I do!  I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t like the Beatles!

Steve

Shame that they didn’t tour more often – they’d have been ever bigger than they already are!

Dave

Didn’t they stop touring because they couldn’t hear themselves over all of the screaming at their gigs?

Steve

Yeah, apparently.  Mind you, you’d scream with shock if you saw four Scousers working!

Dave

That’s a terrible thing to say!  … True though!

Steve

What’s your favourite album.

Dave

God.  Erm.  Abbey Road, probably.  Yours?

Steve

I like ‘em all.  I don’t think they did a single bad album.  If you listen to music today, the Beatles started it all.

Dave

What? All of it?

Steve

Yeah.

DAVE SHOWS HIS SARCARSTIC SIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Dave

What about death metal rock?

Steve

Well, obviously not death metal rock.  But all of the more popular stuff they did.

Dave

(SARCASTICALLY) R n B?

Steve

Yeah.

Dave

(INCREDULOUSLY)  What?  How do you figure that one out?

Steve

Well R n B has a fairly specific rhythm, and the Beatles were the first to influence a genre in the same way that R n B is influencing people these days.

Dave

So the Beatles are on a par with, say, R Kelly and Akon?

WE SEE STEVE REFLECTING ON THIS AS DAVE IS SAYING IT

Dave

You’d put those three together, musically?

Steve

Noooo.  But the Beatles helped to influence different styles of music that have changed and evolved into what we have today.

Dave

So you’re saying that the Beatles have directly influenced RnB?

Steve

Yeah, amongst other types of music.

Dave

Because the Beatles were the first to try out new styles of music?

Steve

Yeah.

Dave

Don’t you think that RnB is more similar to soul music?

Steve

Well, yeah, but the Beatles still played a part in that.

Dave

But soul comes from Motown, and that was around at the same time as the Beatles.

Steve

(UNCONVINCINGLY) I guess…

Dave:

(AFRAID THAT HE HAS HURT STEVE’S FEELINGS) I’m not saying that the Beatles aren’t a huge inspiration for loads of bands.  I’m just saying that you may as well claim that classical music has influenced everyone simply because it’s been around for hundreds of years.

Steve

I wonder what classical music was called when it first came out.

Dave

(SURPRISED AT THE CHANGE IN CONVERSATION) Eh?

Steve

Well it’s only “classical” now as it’s old, so what did they call it when it came out?

Dave

(PAUSES FOR A SECOND) Pop, I guess.  Popular music.

THERE IS A SILENCE IN THE CAR AS BOTH GUYS LET THIS INFORMATION SINK IN.  NEITHER KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO FOLLOW IT UP, SO THE ONLY SOUND BEING HEARD FOR A FEW SECONDS IS THE RADIO AGAIN.

STEVE DECIDES TO BREAK THE SILENCE:

Steve

So how long does it take to get to Romford then?

Dave

About 20-30 minutes, depending on traffic.

Steve

That’s not bad.

Dave

Could be worse.  Romford’s the home of mums who have three kids by three different dads.  It’d take three times longer to get there if it was Fathers Day!

ANOTHER LARGE PAUSE INTERRUPTS THE JOURNEY AND STEVE FEELS THE NEED TO BREAK THE SILENCE AGAIN

Steve

Have you got aircon in this car?

Dave

Yes mate.  It’s not the 1970s y’know.

Steve

Mind if I put it on?

Dave

No worries.

DAVE ADJUSTS THE AIRCON AND OPENS UP THE VENTS FOR STEVE

Dave

You could just take your jacket off mate.

STEVE DOESN’T RESPOND TO THIS COMMENT AND INSTEAD MOVES THE AIRCON VENTS ON HIS SIDE SO THAT THEY ARE BLOWING ON HIS FACE, BUT DOESN’T AMEND THE SPEED OF THE AIRCON, WHICH DAVE HAS PUT TO THE LOWEST SETTING.

Steve

That’s better.  It’s warm today!

SILENCE FALLS IN THE CAR AGAIN AS DAVE DRIVES WITHOUT TALKING AND STEVE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW.

Dave

So… a beard, huh?

STEVE RUNS HIS HAND OVER HIS BEARD AS HE RESPONDS.

Steve

I wondered how long it would be before you mentioned it.

Dave

Listen, I’m not allowed to comment on my wife’s moustache, so I reserve the right to comment on the beard of a work colleague!

Steve

Hairy women, nice!

Dave

I’m surprised that Derek didn’t tell you to shave that off.  No-one else is allowed facial hair in this company.

Steve

I know.  I had it in my interview though.  He said then that he would prefer it if I was clean shaven, but there was no way I was going to change just for a job.

Dave

No-one can make you do anything.  They can make things difficult though.

Steve

I only grew a beard so that whenever anyone whips out a camera at parties, I can put on a pair of glasses and it means no-one can deface my photo by doodling on it!  Anyway, Derek’s been fine so far.  Why doesn’t he like beards anyway?

Dave

Well you just don’t trust anyone with a beard, do you?

Steve

What, no-one?

Dave

No,  haven’t you ever heard that before?

Steve

Yeah, I have, I just never understood it.

Dave

why not?

Steve

Well who is the most famous bearded person ever?

Dave

Erm.  Anne Robinson?

Steve

Jesus Christ!

Dave

Ok, no need to get blasphemous over it!  Just because I don’t know – who is it then?

Steve

Noooo – I mean, it’s Jesus.  The most famous person ever that had a beard.  If you couldn’t trust him, you couldn’t trust anyone!

Dave

True.  But who betrayed Jesus?

Steve

Erm. Judas?

Dave

Exactly.  And he had a beard too.

Steve

Good argument.  Do you believe in God?

Dave

Yeah, I was brought up Catholic.  Why?

Steve

I don’t.  When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me instead.

Dave

That’s crap!  And you’re getting off the subject.  Beardies - Charles Manson was another. And he was a complete bastard.

Steve

Right, so that’s two people.  Anyone else?

Dave

Yeah. Osama Bin Laden.

Steve

So because of Osama Bin Laden, Charles Manson and Judas, everyone with a beard can’t be trusted.

Dave

You can’t dispute the evidence.

Steve

I suppose when you look at it like that, you could argue that Jesus was a bit of a bastard at times too – Knowing he had 5,000 to feed and making them share just five loaves of bread and a couple of fish!

Dave

Mind you, getting back to the point, Derek’s ginger.

Steve

So?

Dave

Well aside from the normal jokes like “Harry Potter’s a bit unrealistic – A ginger kid with TWO friends…”  Well… Derek can’t grow a beard can he?

Steve

Can’t he?

Dave

Of course not.  If he did, it’d be ginger!  I bet it’s all he can do every day not to shave his head bald every day!

STEVE SMILES BUT DECIDES THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW DAVE WELL ENOUGH TO START SLAGGING OFF HIS REGIONAL MANAGER, AND SO CHANGES THE SUBJECT.

Steve

Is it all just one stretch of motorway like this?

Dave

Well this isn’t motorway, it’s the A12

Steve

(DEFENDAVETLY) Yeah, I know, but it’s like a motorway, ain’t it?  And statistically it’s the busiest road in Essex.

Dave

I s’pose.  Statistically 6 out of seven dwarves aren’t Happy.  But yeah, this is basically one long road into Romford now, though we go through a suburban area.

Steve

At least it’s not grey all the way then like this road.

DAVE LOOKS AT STEVE

Dave

You’ve never driven to Romford before, have you?

Steve

No.  Is it that bad then?

Dave

Not really.  It’s boring.  Very grey.  Oh, and make sure your door is locked.

STEVE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY, AS IF HE DOESN’T KNOW IF DAVE IS JOKING OR NOT.

JUST THEN, A CAR PULLS OUT WITHOUT INDICATING FROM THE MIDDLE LANE OF THE A12 TO THE FAST LANE WHERE DAVE IS DRIVING.

Dave

Fucking Hell!

STEVE SEES DAVE REACT AND DECIDES HE CAN AFFORD TO REACT IN A SIMILAR WAY.

Steve

Bloody Hell, what a pratt.

Dave

See those flashing yellow lights at the side of your car?  They’re called indicators mate, try fucking using them!

THE CAR IN FRONT’S DRIVER PUTS HIS HAND UP TO ACKNOWLEDGE BEING LET IN BY DAVE.

Dave

Oh yeah, say thanks now.  Fucking idiot.  I didn’t have a bloody choice about letting you out, did I?

DAVE LOOKS OVER AT STEVE AGAIN.

Dave

By the way, I suffer from road rage.

Steve

Really? It doesn’t show.

DAVE LAUGHS.

Dave

You know I told you to lock your door earlier?

Steve

Yeah?

Dave

It’s not to stop anyone getting in, it’s to make it harder for me to chuck you out of a moving car when someone else on the road pisses me off.

STEVE LAUGHS, A LITTLE FALSELY.

Steve

I’d better make sure the door’s locked then!

Dave

I tell you, the one thing that really pisses me off is rudeness.

Steve

(SARCASTICALLY) What, like swearing?

Dave

(SMILING AS HE “GETS” WHAT STEVE IS SAYING)  Yeah.  Fucking hate it!

Steve

Yeah.  Swearing is for cunts.

Dave

Seriously though, not swearing, just basic rudeness – (DAVE INDICATES THROUGH THE WINDOW) Not saying “thank you” when someone holds a door open for you, or pulling out in front of another car without acknowledging that car.

Steve

Especially as we’re English.  Manners should be built in.  When we had the May Day riots a few years back, they were queuing to throw bricks through McDonalds windows!

Dave

Can you imagine it? (IMITATES A POLITE RIOTER) ‘After you old chap…. oh, jolly good throw!’

Steve

Yeah, (IMITATES A RIOTER) ‘Way to put a stop to that evil capitalist giant and their crappy food… Fancy nicking a Big Mac meal?’

Dave

The thing that I loved about the “anti-capitalism” marches was the fact that when they started rioting, they were all wearing Nike tops and trainers!  It was like a co-ordinated live ad campaign!

Steve

Mind you, when the hordes of people descended into London, with a backdrop of old grey buildings, being headed off by a big section of riot police dressed in black and blue, it was more like a United Colours of Steveneton advert by the time they started chucking their red and yellow petrol-bombs!

Dave

I still think that the majority of the rioters weren’t anti-capitalist or anti-anything, they were just caught in the moment.

Steve

I was too young to realise what was going first  time round.  When they said on the news it was “anti-capitalist”, I thought they were protesting against the radio station!

Dave

“Anti Capital FM”! See, if they’d have done that, I think I would have understood it far more!  Dr Fox was always likely to start a riot in my view.  Were they capitalists?  Or environmentalists?

Steve

Environmentalists?  With the emphasis on mentalists!

Dave

I’m pretty sure that most of the rioters were just unemployed students with nothing better to do.  All the police needed to do was drop loads of job application forms from a helicopter and they’d have scattered the crowd in no time!

A  CAR INDICATES THAT IT WANTS TO COME IN FRONT OF DAVES CAR

Dave

(FLASHING HIS LIGHTS)  Go on then, seeing as you have a West Ham sticker in your back window.

Steve

Oh no, you’re not a West Ham fan are you?

Dave

Yeah, why?  Who do you support?

Steve

I’m a Leyton Orient fan.

Dave

(sarcastically) Oh YOU’RE their fan?

Steve

Yeah, yeah, haha.  At least I’m not a glory hunter!

Dave

Glory hunter?  You must have misheard me mate, I support West Ham!  Our only glory is the occasional 3 points from Arsenal!

Steve

Good point.  I thought you was going down a couple of years ago.

Dave

Yeah, you and about a million others!

Steve

Still, you only got out of trouble by cheating.

Dave

It was worth it though, wasn’t it?

Steve

Course it was!  Wasn’t it worth £60m or something silly?

Dave

Apparently, yeah.

Steve

We had Spurs at home last week in a pre-season friendly.

Dave

Did you go?

Steve

Course I did!  We were unlucky to lose!

Dave

What was the score?

Steve

(TOTALLY SERIOUS) 3-0 to them.

Dave

(SARCARSTICALLY DEADPAN) Wow.  Close game.

Steve

Well it was close for us – they had their entire first team out and they finished 60 odd places above us last year!

Dave

It’s a bit early in pre-season to be putting out their first team!  That Defoe is a good player though, isn’t he?

Steve

Yeah, fantastic player!

Dave

Did he score?

Steve

No, he didn’t play.

Dave

I thought you said their first team was out? Who was up front for them?

Steve

Stevet and Keane.

Dave

Stevet who can’t start a league game to save his life?

Steve

Maybe not, but he’s still a great player!

Dave

Yeah, but you said their first team!

Steve

Well Keane is in their first team!

Dave

Ok. Who else?

Steve

Gomes played, so did Zakora and Chimbonda.

Dave

What, they all played 90 minutes?

Steve

No (EMBARRASSED PAUSE) They all played 45 minutes.

Dave

And then what, their youth team came on?

Steve

Erm, yeah.  But it was still a close result!

Dave

I’m not surprised! Any league team would stand a chance against a youth team!

Steve

They’ve got some really good kids though!

Dave

Like who?

Steve

Oh, I dunno, just loads of England Under-19s.

Dave

Right, whatever!

Steve

Hey, we’ve got a pre-season friendly coming up against you lot soon.

Dave

Yeah, I saw that. Maybe we can put out our Under 15s so you can scrape a draw!

Steve

You could put out your first team and we’d probably scrape a draw!

Dave

(REFLECTIVELY)  You’re probably right there.  It’s gonna be a long season! Do you get to Brisbane Road very often?

Steve

Every week, without fail.

Dave

Wow.  Season Ticket holder!

Steve

No, we just turn up and pay on the door and sit wherever we want.

Dave

God, I remember you used to be able to do that at West Ham about fifteen years ago.

Steve

I’ll bet, when they had jumpers for goalposts too!

Dave

Piss off.  It’s not an age thing, it’s a higher league thing.

Steve

I like pre-season though, with the speculation as to who may go where and stuff.

Dave

Bit boring without a World Cup or European Championship though.

Steve

Yeah, I know, but I still enjoy it.  This has always been the time of year that they sort out rule changes as well.

Dave

Like what?

Steve

Like the backpass rule, or the change to the offside rule.  It’s always introduced pre-season to give teams a chance to get used to them in pre-season friendlies.

Dave

So have they introduced any this year?

Steve

No, but I think that they should do.

Dave

Like what?

Steve

Well, I don’t know exactly… maybe they should have a look at other sports.

Dave

Such as?

Steve

Well, rugby for a start.  None of the players can backchat the ref or the free kick gets moved 10 yards back.  It makes all the players better behaved.

Dave

They have the refs mic’d up in rugby as well, don’t they?

Steve

Yeah, so you can hear what they are saying to the players – it’s makes their decisions very transparent.

A SMALL SILENCE DESCENDS IN THE CAR.

Dave

Do you know what I’d like to see taken from another sport and introduced into football?

Steve

Whassat?

Dave

Ice skates.

DAVE SAYS IT NON CHALANTLY AND IRONICALLY.

Steve

Yeah!  What a great idea.  Or everyone on horseback, like polo.

Dave

Or in swimming trunks like water polo.

Steve

Or set up a badminton net 7 ft in the air, and no matter what, the players would have to put the ball over the net before playing the rest of their attack.

Dave

You could have a points system like rugby – Two points in a game for a penalty that’s converted, 3 points for a free kick that goes in.  5 for a goal.

Steve

Or you could have a points system like tennis, where your first goal is worth 15, your second is worth another 15 to make it 30 and the third is then only worth 10.

Dave

Confusing,

Steve

Yet it’s already in place in tennis!

Dave

How about like basketball, where if you stop dribbling you HAVE to make a pass?

Steve

Sod it, just give everyone running shoes with spikes in the bottom.  You’ll soon have them zipping the ball round the pitch just in case anyone goes NEAR them in a tackle!

THE CAR STOPS AT A SET OF TRAFFIC LIGHTS, AND A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE GIRL WALKS ACROSS IN FRONT OF THE CAR.

Dave

Bloody Hell.  She’s gorgeous.

Steve

Nice arse.

Dave

You can’t see my arse from there!

Steve

Well your arse has a very good reputation, so I know I can say it and it’s probably true!

Dave

I bet you could use her shit for toothpaste.

STEVE ISN’T TOO SURE HOW TO TAKE THIS.

Dave

And her pubes for floss.

DAVE LOOKS OVER AT STEVE WITH A SERIOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE.  STEVE IS LOOKING PERPLEXED UNTIL DAVE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

STEVE SMILES AND DECIDES TO JOIN IN.

Steve

Marks out of two?

Dave

Eh?

Steve

Marks out of two…

DAVE LOOKS CONFUSED.

Steve

If you had to rate her out of two, instead of a rating out of ten, what would you give her?

Dave

(THINKS ABOUT HIS ANSWER)  Well.  A two, I guess.

Steve

Noooo!  Marks out of two … (IN A WIDEBOY COCKNEY ACCENT) I’d give her one!

Dave

(LAUGHING) That’s terrible!  Anyway, I called her first, she’s mine!

AN UGLY WOMAN PASSES IN FRONT OF THE CAR AS HE FINISHES HIS SENTENCE.  DAVE TURNS HIS HEAD AND SEES HER.

Dave

Argh!!

Steve

(SHOCKED) What?!

Dave

(NODS HIS HEAD TOWARDS UGLY WOMAN)  Don’t think much of yours!

Steve

Every hole’s a goal!

Dave

Ewww, you’d have trouble finding a hole!!

Steve

Maybe… But just think how great the sex would be!

Dave

Are you a lover of larger ladies then, Steve?

Steve

Not really – my other half is tall and thin, and she’s my ideal woman, but with fat girls you know the sex will be really good.

Dave

Oh yeah?

Steve

Well they try harder as they are more grateful that you’re showing an interest in them and so they try harder in bed!

Dave

I shall have to bear that in mind should Mel and I ever split!

Steve

Do you know how to get a fat girl in to bed?

Dave

No?

Steve

Piece of cake…

DAVE GRINS AT THE JOKE.

Steve

(LAUGHS) … (NODS TOWARDS UGLY WOMAN)  She’s definitely one that you’d put a paper bag on her head so you couldn’t see her as you shagged her.

Dave

You’d need another one for your head in case hers fell off.  Mind you, with a belly as big as hers you’d probably use the bag in case of seasickness!

Steve

Mind you, yours was a BOBFOC!

Dave

A what?

Steve

A BOBFOC – B-O-B-F-O-C – Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.  The sort of bird that doggy style was invented for, so you don’t have to see her face.

DAVE LAUGHS AT THE THOUGHT BEFORE THE CAR DESCENDS INTO SILENCE AGAIN.

Steve

Have you ever tried making up new words?

Dave

You’re weird.

Steve

It passes the time.  (DAVE LOOKS UNCONVINCED) Seriously, it kills five minutes.

Dave

How does it work?

Steve

Well, you make up a word.

Dave

Right…

Steve

And then try and use it in a sentence.

Dave

Let me guess, and then we have to write to the Oxford English Dictionary to ask them to include it in next years edition?

Steve

(DEFENSIVELY) It’s just a way of passing the time…

Dave

Ok, ok.  It sounds crap, but ok.  Literally make a word up and then tell you that word in a sentence?

Steve

Basically.

Dave

But there’s no point to the game?

Steve

Not really.

Dave

So who wins?

Steve

No-one.

Dave

Except the English language, maybe?

Steve

You never know.

Dave

You’re not really selling it to me, but ok.  A word.  Hmmm.  Med… Ove.. Ee… An.  Medovian.

Steve

Medovian?

Dave

Yeah

Steve

What does that mean?

Dave

Nothing, I just made it up.  Didn’t you hear yourself telling me the rules about thirty seconds ago?

Steve

Yeah but now you have a word, you need to use it in a sentence and I have to guess what it means.

Dave

Oh, ok.  Medovian.  Erm. “It was a very … medovian way of thinking.”

Steve

Ok.  Erm.  It means… erm… dramatic.

Dave

A dramatic way of thinking?  How do you think dramatically? *Dave throws his right hand to his forehead as if being dramatic and looks upwards slightly* Alas!  I must pick up some bread verily on the way home tonight!

Steve

Alright, you’ve made your point.  What does it mean then?

Dave

(SHOUTING SLIGHTLY)  It doesn’t mean anything, I made it up! (LAUGHS)

Steve

You’re crap.

Dave

Ok, ok, ok… medovian means … something that is classic or traditional.

Steve

Does it?

Dave

No!  For God’s sake, I just made it up.

Steve

Shame, cos it sounded believable.  Maybe we should try thinking up new names for women’s naughty bits?   That’s more my level.

Dave

Ok.  “I can’t remember the last time I got anything remotely medovian”

Steve

Does it still mean classic and old-age, because I can’t see why you’d want it if that was the case.

Dave

Erm no.  Now it means, full of life … like a meadow in Springtime.

Steve

A fanny like a meadow, huh?  That’d be huge.  I think you’re crap at this game.

Dave

I’m not crap at it!  I’m just getting used to the rules.  A fanny like a meadow - You’ve just never been with some of the girls that I have!

Steve

Thank God!

STEVE’S PHONE BEEPS TO ALERT HIM THAT HE HAS A MESSAGE.  ITS ON A LOUD SETTING, SO THE BEEP CAN CLEARLY BE HEARD, AS WELL AS THE BUZZING THAT ACCOMPANIES IT.

Dave

(NOT WAITING FOR THE BEEPING TO FINISH)  You’ve got a message…

Steve

Thanks.

Dave

(SARCASTIC) I didn’t know if you’d heard your phone or not.  It wasn’t very loud.

Steve

Not loud?  You didn’t see your windscreen shudder from the sheer volume then? !

THERE’S A SILENCE IN THE CAR AGAIN.

Steve

Are we almost there yet?

Dave

God, you sound like the kids!  I swear, if the next words out of your mouth are “I need the toilet!”, I’m going to smack you.

Steve

(LAUGHS) I was just asking!

Dave

(LAUGHS) I know, I’m only fucking about.  We’re about ten minutes away.

Steve

(SHYLY)  It’s just that I really need the toilet…

DAVE LOOKS OVER AT STEVE, DUMBFOUNDED.

Steve

I’m joking, I’m joking!  I fancy some grub though, is there anywhere to eat near the branch?

Dave

Yeah, loads of places.  What do you fancy?

Steve

Just a sarnie or something.

Dave

Well I’m a Starbucks man in the mornings.  If you fancy something posh and too expensive, I’ll shout you some food from there if you like?

Steve

What do they do there?

Dave

What, in Starbucks?  They do coffee mate, hence the name “Starbucks Coffee”.

Steve

I mean foodwise!

Dave

Just the normal coffee house crap– croissants, pastries, paninis.  They don’t do bacon and egg sarnies, if that’s what you’re wondering, and I’ve never seen a bottle of brown sauce on the tables.

Steve

No, I know that, I just want to get my belly ready for whatever they have to offer. What would you recommend?

Dave

Do I look like a waiter?  Order what you like, I’ll buy it as a “welcome to Romford” present.  Either way, whatever you get won’t fill you up.

Steve

Why do you say that?

Dave

It’s like a standard rule of coffee shops – If you want a nice cup of coffee, Hell, even a decent cup of tea, and you don’t mind paying through the nose for it, these places are ideal.  If you want food, go to a restaurant.  The food served in these places is crap to say the least.  The paninis all taste like cardboard, the croissants taste stale, and God knows how long the caramel shortbreads have been on display, but the one that sits at the front of the display has had a fingerprint in the same place on it for over a week.

Steve

You don’t eat there then?

Dave

I didn’t say that!  I’ll eat anything if it means me not having to walk fifty yards down the road to a different shop – I’m so lazy!

Steve

What else is there?

Dave

Well you’ve got a Maccy D’s nearby

Steve

Hmmm.  I may just wait until the next set of riots before I resort to going there.

Dave

Apart from that there’s a cafe and a couple of other coffee shops, and a Greggs and a Subway.  Plenty of places to grab some grub from.

Steve

Will we have time to eat?

Dave

(LOOKS AT WATCH) Yeah, we’ll get there about half past, so we’ll have half an hour before we start, and at least fifteen minutes before we have to be in work.

Steve

Shall we stick to Starbucks?

Dave

Shall we?  Shall we?  Sounds like a plan.

SILENCE

Steve

So who should I be wary of in Romford?

Dave

Everyone.

Steve

(LAUGHS) No, seriously, who should I not trust?

Dave: Seriously, don’t trust anyone!  If you have secrets that you don’t want everyone to know, don’t tell anyone.

Steve

You’re really selling the staff to me, do you know that?

Dave

I don’t mean it in a bad way.  You’ll get to learn for yourself pretty quickly who you can and can’t trust.  All I’d say is be careful of who you talk to.  You can trust me, and I’ll trust you until you let me down.  There are people in Romford that I wouldn’t trust with anything though.

Steve

Well you seem to be trustworthy – Other people have told me that.

Dave

Bless ‘em!  You’ve got to say that though really, seeing as if you was horrible I could just kick you out in the middle of nowhere!  As I say, you’ll find out who is and who isn’t.  I’m pretty straight forward.  If you tell me something in secrecy, it will stay a secret.  If you don’t trust me, don’t tell me anything.

Steve

I do that anyway, generally.  Try and test people if I don’t know them.

Dave

Test them?  Make them sit and do a 2 hour exam on stuff you’ve told them, that’s pretty extreme.

Steve

No, just stuff like telling someone something small, and saying it’s a secret, not telling anyone else and see if it comes back to you from a different source.

Dave

Makes sense.  Ever caught anyone out that way?

Steve

Yeah. Once or twice. Never trusted them after that.

Dave

Don’t blame you.  One thing I will share with you, just for future reference.  Anything you tell Mary, the manager, in secrecy, will get passed up to her boss Derek and his boss.

Steve

Really?

Dave

Yeah.  It’s not a bad thing as long as you know she does it, which is why I’m pre-warning you.

Steve

Who told you?

Dave

Well that’s the thing, I found out for myself.

Steve

What happened?

Dave

I told Mary something in secrecy.  I had to have a minor operation earlier this year, a circumcision.

(STEVE WINCES)

Steve

Ouch… So you’re not a complete prick then?

Dave

Cheers!  Mind you, I wasn’t too bothered about everyone knowing, I thought I’d tell Mary first as I needed time off of work for it.  I hadn’t told anyone else, and a few days later I was talking to Mary and she said something along the lines of “Derek said it’s ok for you to have that time off and he doesn’t envy what you’re having done.”

Steve

So she told your Regional Manager that you was having a circumcision?

Dave

Yeah.  I don’t really mind, it’s not as though it’s a problem, but this is the same Regional Manager who didn’t tell a lot of his staff that he was getting married as it “didn’t really come up in conversation” – his words.  Some of us didn’t know until we saw a wedding ring on his hand!

Steve

That’s so weird.

Dave

What, Derek?  I know. I felt like saying to him that having a circumcision doesn’t just come up in conversation, but that he knew about that!

Steve

Why didn’t you say anything?

Dave

(LAUGHS) Because I figured in Romford that type of conversation probably WOULD come up!

Steve

Oh, really?  Maybe I will like this place!  So does everyone know you’ve had it done then (INDICATES A CUTTING ACTION WITH HIS FINGERS)

Dave

Yeah, course.  I figured that if Derek knew, there was no point even trying to hide it from anyone else. That  coupled with the fact that Mary kept referring to it publicly as my “ear-piercing” (DAVE IMITATES MARY) “When you have your week off for your ‘ear-piercing’…”.  It was daft, as it just caused everyone to ask why I was having time off for an ear piercing!

Steve

That sounds daft.

Dave

Well I won’t even go into the comparisons between the two: Ear piercing involves a surgical procedure that has a small prick, and the circumcision… well… let’s not go there!

THERE’S ANOTHER PAUSE BETWEEN THE TWO GUYS

Steve

So why did you have it done then, if you don’t mind me asking?

Dave

For fun.

Steve

For fun?

Dave

Yeah.  Can’t think of anything better than being knocked out for several hours, and waking up to find your old boy wrapped in bandages, which are soaked in your own blood, and the top part of it missing!

Steve

You need to get out more mate!

Dave

(LAUGHING) I had it done as things were getting… (DAVE REFLECTS ON THE BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE THINGS)  tight. (DAVE NODS AS HE SAYS IT, INDICATING THAT IT’S THE RIGHT WORD)

Steve

Sounds horrible.  But you’ve got kids, haven’t you?

Dave

Yeah, four of them.

Steve

So it obviously worked before you had it done?

Dave

It did, yeah.  It was just uncomfortable sometimes.  Are you sure you want to talk about this before breakfast?!

Steve

Well not if you don’t, I’m just interested.

Dave

You’re interested in my penis?

Steve

(REALISES THE IMPLICATION AND PLAYS ALONG IN A JOKING WAY) Yeah, that’s right, tell me about your cock.

Dave

(LAUGHING)  You and I are going to get along just fine, I reckon.

STEVE LAUGHS

Dave

But I’m not showing you my cock. Yet.

 

CREDITS ROLL.

THE END

 

Series development

I see the series developing in a way that shows a true friendship and bond between the two main characters.  The initial shyness, nerves and awkwardness disappears as we go through the episodes, and we learn more about the duo’s families, friends and work colleagues.

The vast majority of each episode will be spent in one location, for example, episode 1 is set almost entirely in the car.  I have plans for further episodes to take place mostly in the same car, but also with an episode on a train so that the script has a bit more variety as the series moves on.

The positive attributes of such a sitcom is that with few characters and scenes, it is a low cost project, ideally suited to a small run of perhaps six episodes.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This

Share this post with your friends!