Simon Burns bums, 3D porn makes you pregnant and other weird stuff

by DannyUK

It’s been a couple of weeks since the blog had any kind of proper entry, so I thought I’d return to my old haunt of Costa to tap something out, though as I sat down I realised that I have very little to say. There’s always 3D porn to discuss, I suppose.

Work has been good. The first two weeks in any new job can be a heavy mixture of dread and feeling snowed under, but I haven’t yet succumbed to this. In fact, I’ve taken most of it in my stride and seem to be getting on ok, which is an unusual feeling for me, and I feel like there could be a future for me in the company which is something I never felt with my previous couple of jobs.

There’s nothing in particular on my mind to write about, which is another indication that I am busy elsewhere. So this blog entry will be rather haphazard as a result.

The “change your race” mirror never caught on at Ikea.

Fistbumps. I’ve just seen someone fist bump someone else. For those that don’t know, it is exactly as described. A bumping of fists. It signals agreement or camaraderie of some kind.

I was once asked to participate in a fistbump with my mate Alan. I replied that the only thing to bump off my fist would be his face if he didn’t act his age.

In my defence, we were both in our thirties at the time, so the threat was warranted.

Oscars. What is it about getting an Oscar that makes people cry? You’ve won for God’s sake. Leave the tears to those that have lost, they’re the ones that should be upset.

While we are at it, Sky News (on the very slim chance that you should be reading this), there is never ANY justified reason to cut to a live interview with Piers Morgan, ever, much less when it’s to hear what he has to say before he goes off to some swanky (optional “s”) after-show Oscar party.

The best thing about Simon Burns is that his surname looks like BUMS. Ha!

Politicians. Our local paper, the Essex Chronicle, had a report on a proposed Pelican crossing at the junction of a busy road that many local kids (including my own) use to get to school. The local residents have complained that they “do not want flashing lights” outside their house, which was a sentence that made my blood boil.

Fuck it then.

To save you the inconvenience of flashing lights, we’ll just let children get run down willy-nilly. And we’ll ask the ambulances that get called to turn off their blues & twos, shall we? Honestly, what a fucking stupid thing to say.

There’s this invention that’s currently available on the High Street. It’s called - and you may want to get a pen and a piece of paper to write this down - “curtains”. Wonderful things. They block out the view from outside, including flashing lights.

I was so angry about the crossing debacle that I penned a letter to the local paper in response (which was published this week) where I managed to contain my anger and instead put across my point (I think. It’s hard reading it without getting angry to be honest).

I also sent a letter to our local MP, Simon Burns, who has been vocal in his backing of the residents that don’t want the crossing.

I said to him that I felt he wasn’t taking into account the views of the parents whose children use the crossing, nor of the many local residents that are in support of it. I also accused him of using the matter via the local paper to attack Essex County Council rather than doing something positive about it.

I got a response the next day which was as boring as it was generally uninformative. What I didn’t realise until a couple of days later was that when Simon Burns visited the site at 8.15am to see the problems for himself, he did it during Half Term, when the issue is not relevant at all. I could have screamed.

Football. Liverpool won the Carling Cup this weekend after a penalties-victory against Cardiff. So let’s just say well done Liverpool for winning a 2nd rate trophy on penalties against a Championship team after drawing 2-2 having had 50 shots on goal. Bravo. *slow hand clap*

3D porn. It can get you pregnant - see here - which is better than the excuse a white mother gave to her white husband when having a black baby, saying that it was because she had increased her intake of iron during the pregnancy.

I can’t remember where I read this, or if it was even remotely true, but it’s always amused me.

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