Twitter’s a strange thing.  I use it for posting crap more than anything else, in 140 characters or less, of course.  It’s also handy for following celebs and seeing what they are up to, and also for following local users to see what’s happening in and around Chelmsford.

One of the local Tweeters I follow is a girl called Emma (@emzy2710 for anyone interested enough to look her up) and she is, it’s fair to say, a bit of a stunner.  She’s a local teacher, lives in Chelmsford and happened to Tweet a few weeks back that she was moving to the Vineyards where she is buying her first house.  The Vineyards is a small part of Great Baddow which happens to be a ten minute walk from where I am working at the moment.  A couple of weeks later she put out a general Tweet asking for packing boxes.  I replied to her saying that we had a few boxes at work that we were in the process of throwing out, but that she could have if she wanted, as long as she collected them.

I sent her my mobile number onlne and told her drop me a text when she wanted them.  This morning she texted to say that she’d pick the boxes up today if that was ok, and I responded that yes, that was fine, and gave her directions to the set of offices where I work.  "Text me when you get here," I went on to say, "as my office is a pain to find, and I’ll come and get you from Reception."

A few hours shot by and come 1pm I received a text from Em: "I think I’m here."  I called her and shot downstairs with the boxes.  We exchanged pleasentries and small talk while she loaded the boxes in her car.  I have to admit that she looked good too, and smelt fantastic with whatever perfume she was wearing.  Having just had my first coffee in almost a week, I was bouncing around the room a little, and although there was small talk, it felt a little strained and false, not that it overly worried me as I wasn’t especially trying to chat her up or impress her.  Simply because she is in her mid 20s, single, no kids and completely out of my league.  Compared to an early 30s, balding, overweight guy, who hasn’t been arsed to get his hair cut for weeks, walked to work this morning and was sweaty, with dust covering my trousers and we’re hardly the ideal match, especially when you chuck in to the mix my four kids and the fact I am poorer that a church mouse whose wife has just run off with all of the cheese (a Blackadder reference there!).

There were a couple of what I perceived to be awkward silences, and one or two "did I really just say that" moments, which is astonishing for the couple of minutes we spent together before I said goodbye and wandered back into the office.  I returned to my desk with a smile, thinking that, even by my own awkward standards, this first meeting had gone completely differently to how one would have hoped.

I hopped onto Twitter and updated a few moments of self deprecation over 4 separate Tweets:

Charm school, lesson 1: Opening with "Oooh, you smell nice" and following it up with "Is it you that smells?" doesn’t impress a pretty girl that you’ve just met.

This was true.  When I stepped out of reception and saw her standing in the car park, I said hi, and as she strolled over her perfume hit me and it really did smell good.  In future I shall remember that trying to reiterate how good someone smells by then asking if it really is them will result in an awkward silence and a mumbled "thanks".

Charm school, lesson 2: Revealing you know where they are moving to doesn’t make you a good listener, but implies you are a stalker.

Ahhh, the power of Twitter.  As I mentioned above, Em had already stated in a Tweet where she was moving to.  In our small talk I asked her if she found my work ok, as it’s set back from the road and many people miss it completely even when they are looking for it.  She replied back "Yes, it was quite easy.  It’s near to where I’m moving actually - I’m only moving to…." she waved her arm in the general direction of the Vineyards but had suddenly stalled on what she was saying "… erm, somewhere nearby." Her arm dropped and I immediately got the impression that she didn’t want to reveal to a stranger where she was going to be moving to.  Despite this, my mouth battled on, leaving my brain behind.

"Oh yeah, you’re moving to the Vineyards, aren’t you!"  It was posed as a statement rather than a question, and I didn’t think to say that she had mentioned it in passing on Twitter.  Instead she admitted that she was, all the time looking at me as if I were insane.  Or a stalker.  Or both.

Charm school, lesson 3: When pretty girl texts you to say she thinks she’s outside the meeting place, phoning her and asking "you THINK or you KNOW?" can be overly aggressive and condescending.

Yep.  I also said this.  As soon as I received the text saying she thought she was outside, I rang her and said the above.  What was meant to be light, sarcastic, funny and endearing possibly could have been taken in a far worse way.

Charm school, lesson 4: Although you may think otherwise, if you try to check your flies are done up when you have company they are likely to see.

Ahhh… I’m not even going to try and defend this one.  We’ve all been there.  Better to check and find you’re zipped up than to not check and find out a few hours later you was flying low.

I posted it all on Twitter, without the explanations above, and hope that some get a laugh out of it.  

Em posted a short while later:

"It’s far too hot to be lugging boxes up flights of stairs! But thanks Mr Charming 😉 aka @DannyUK really appreciate it"

Hopefully she took the Tweets in good grace, and didn’t think any more of our meeting.

It all still makes me smile though.

Mood: Forever learning.

Location: Home, Chelmsford CaffeinatedDan footer

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