I have more of my life over the past two or three years committed to camera than the preceding twenty seven years combined, thanks to the wonder that is the camera phone.

My first camera phone was a 2MP camera, which stands for MegaPixel, and isn’t some kind of married parliamentary couple. I had that phone for about a year, but in order to use it you needed to flip the phone open, and then twist the top part, which was a screen, before turning the phone sideways to take a photo. I could never work out if it looked cool or twattish. Probably the latter, hence my reluctance to use it too often.

The next phone was a lot more subtle. The phone was just one lump, no twisty or slidey bits, with the camera on the back. Again, it was only a 2MP, but it was good enough, and many a grainy photo was taken on it, along with many black pictures (as in dark, not pictures of the outdoor adventure shops) due to the lack of a flash.

A year later and I was able to upgrade again. This time I went for the N95, a phone that had a bigger memory than my first pc. I figured that having a camera with a 5MP capability would be twice as good as the previous one. How wrong was I! Yes, the photos were more than twice the size, but they were also just as grainy most of the time.

It seems to be a problem with all camera phones. As Steve said, if you want to take photos, buy a camera, and if you want to make phone calls, buy a phone. The same goes for internet access - buy a laptop. Phones can do all three, but don’t expect them to excel at it.

The newest phone is an 8MP camera. It has the same limitations as before. It’s great being on a night out and taking photos all bloody night. “This phone’s got face-recognition on it! Everyone smile…”, only for the picture to come out blurred, or dark and you need to retake it. In fact, most of my pictures from nights out seem to be badly restaged enactments of whatever had actually happened five minutes before. And you can always tell which photos were taken at the time, due to the blurred bloke at the back, or the girl at the front who looks like you’ve taken the photo at the exact moment she’s suffered some kind of horrible explosion in the back of her undies.

Similarly, the staged ones look fairly crisp, but always have someone looking bored, or the first stages of smile-ache, where the same grin has been fixed in place for just a little too long.

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