Seeing Steve’s blog mention wedding speeches (good luck for the Father of the Bridge speech mate), I thought I’d dig out the speech I gave at my own wedding.

Of course, me being me, I don’t actually have the final speech, just the very final drafts of it.

Firstly, I’d like to say thank you to everyone for coming today. I know that quite a few people here have had to travel some way, but both Mel and I appreciate you being here today.

Thank you to Arthur / Chris for the Father Of The Bride speech.

There’s also a few people who need mentioning by name as, without their help, this wedding may not have gotten this far. Some have already been mentioned by Mel, so bear with me.

Firstly, my mum. Many of you will know that I’m extremely close to my mum, especially as she was essentially the only family I had growing up. I’ve had some ups and downs in my life, but she has been behind me 100% of the way, as a friend as well as a mum and I cannot emphasise how much we both appreciate what she has done for us. Without going into detail, I can put my hand on my heart and say that this wedding came close to falling apart if it wasn’t for the support, emotionally at times, but more so financially that mum provided when I know that she is in no real position to do so. Thank you mum.

I’d also like to thank Mel’s family. From Mel’s dad and his wife Chris and Mel’s mum Brenda and her husband Arthur, I have been warmly accepted into the family. Even today, after several years, it still seems strange to hear someone asking after my health and that of my family, but it seems that every time I bump into a relation of Mel’s, they are making sure that everyone is ok. There are too many to mention here, so forgive me if I forget anyone, but Brenda, Arthur, Queenie, Reg, Chris, Christine, Carol, Ivan, Marianne, Hayley, Paul, Julia and everyone inbetween. Thank you all for letting me into your family. I know that without input from many of you, we would have struggled to put this today together.

Lastly, our friends. Special mentions go to the best man, Alan, whose friendship I value very, very highly. Much more so than his organisational skills which means that, in true Borley fashion, I will be having my stag night AFTER the wedding! I also need to mention Karl, who is, believe it or not, our Maid of Honour. (Made of honour. Now there’s irony for you!!)

Now, I wasn’t too sure what a groom’s speech should contain, and seeing as I haven’t been to many weddings, it’s difficult to try and sit down to write this thing from scratch. Fortunately there are a few places online to help out, and one of the most-mentioned tips was to include a funny story about how I met Mel.

To be honest, there isn’t a funny story about how we met. We knew each other from being online, we met for the first time at a party when we were both dating others, and we got together a couple of years later when luck happened to put us online together at the same time. To cut a long story short, we swapped numbers, then swapped texts later that night, followed later still by long phone calls.

A few days later in the early hours of a Thursday morning, having arranged to meet up that weekend, Mel joked that I could come round right now if I wanted to. Never one to refuse an offer, and despite the fact that a) It was 2am, b) Mel lived 45 miles away and c) I had to be up for work in 5 hours, I jumped in the shower, got changed and headed to Chelmsford and in the process of doing so, changed my life!

Mel must have wondered what the Hell she’d gotten herself into when, some 45 minutes later, she had me on the phone: “Mel, it’s me, I’m in Chelmsford. Where do you live?” “Me. Danny, what do you mean “who?”” I’m just kidding about that last bit by the way! A quick conversation later and I pulled up outside her house. I knocked on the door, hoping to God that, now it was 3am, I’d gotten the right address, and waited… Looking back now, I can see that we must have been the most well-groomed people at that godforsaken hour, seeing as we’d both jumped up and scrubbed up before meeting.

The door opened, Mel was stood there in her pyjamas. I’m not kidding either! And the sexual tension between us could almost be seen. “Hi” she said. “Hi,” I replied. Conversation has never been at the base of our relationship – And then, as I looked deep into her eyes, I took her hands and pulled her closer. My heart was almost beating through my chest as I asked her something straight out that I really don’t think she was expecting: …. “Are you gonna make me a tea, or what?” And THAT was how we met.

If you think that story’s rubbish, I have some notes here about the time we went to the doctors to talk about a vasectomy? No? No-one? Oooooo-kay.

That night we stayed up for hours, just talking. The sun rose and I explained to Mel that I was due to be at work that morning, picked up the phone and called in sick so I could spend more time with Mel. I knew I shouldn’t have invited my boss to the wedding!!. A McDonalds breakfast later, I knew that for the first time in my life I was in love, which is quite a realisation to have in McDonalds, and I finally ended up leaving Mel’s house about four days later.

Mel, I could stand here and eulogise forever about how much you mean to me, and how much I love you, but in truth there is nothing I can say that comes close to capturing just how deeply my love runs for you. Thank you for agreeing to be my wife. I love you, and you looked stunning today.

Mel got married in white today… That’s the same colour as the other domestic appliances, in case anyone wondered!

People keep saying to me that marriage changes things between a couple, most noticeably in the couple’s sex life. In fact, so many people have said it to me now that I have a standard response which is: “Why do you think I support West Ham? I’m guaranteed 90 minutes of pointless action with no end result every week, and I can almost guarantee that they’ll go down on me at the end of a season!”

Thank you all for coming today, let me pass you over to my Best Man, Alan.

…Oh, and if this wedding doesn’t end the rumours that I may be gay, nothing will! CaffeinatedDan footer

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